Dear Boys, Lads, Men, Wanna-be Men, and all things external genitalia --
Here's the thing, it's not just women who don't get it. As a female who is currently dating, I find more often than not, many males just don't get it. I realize I am an unusual female to date. Ask any man who has ever dated me. He will likely tell you a tale of me being physically standoffish, yet oddly open and honest. In general, I am a very open and honest person. More often than not, I may be a little too vulgar or blunt. However, in general, the standard consensus is that I am exactly as I appear. Or so I have been told. This can be very off-putting, confusing or exciting for the men who date me. I know that the most off-putting thing about dating me is my one ground rule: I do not kiss on the first date... or usually the first several dates.
Please allow me to explain.
Personally, I think kissing is a very intimate thing. I'm not the girl you'll see wasted in the bar every weekend making out with some new dude. No shame to those of you who do that, but that's not my jam or how this Sally rolls. It literally makes no sense to me why I'd make-out with someone I hardly know. It's hilarious to me whenever a girlfriend tells me a story of how she went on a date, and at the end of it, found her kissing some dude she was completely repulsed by. Thanks, but no thanks. I'll keep my lips to myself. I'm also fairly hands off as well. A hug hello and good-bye is plenty for me when I'm first getting to know someone. Plus, the first few dates are like interviews. I'm trying to figure out if I'd even wanna spend more time with your ass! Are we compatible? Are you interesting? Do we have enough commonalities? Are you allergic to cats? Have you ever been on a plane and left the United States? Are you a creepster? Are you permanently shacked up with your mum? And most importantly, do we even share a lick of chemistry?!! Eh, so many questions. Really, the last thing I wanna do when I'm trying to sort through all the questions in my head is touch or kiss you! No offense gentlemen.
The reason this has become tonight's blogity is because it has been quite the topic of conversation among the males who take me out. True to KY form, I ALWAYS make my one ground rule very clear - and it ALWAYS gets challenged. Rightfully so. I'm sure most guys don't come across such a ground rule very often - if ever. I'm also pretty certain my straightforward and matter-of-fact approach is quite confusing. This rule may even be a shocker to many of you reading this. "She doesn't kiss? Huh, never would have guessed." Well, now you all know, and knowing is half the battle! Specifically, I recently had a young sir say to me, "Getting a kiss on the first date is how I know the date went well." Fair statement, I suppose. Well, not for me. My rebuttal was much more plain and simple, "If you get another date with me, that's how you know the first date went well." Personally, I don't see how swapping saliva is a good indicator. Eh.
So we're going to recap some of these bad dates I've been having. I'm going to not only point out where these dudes went wrong, but also how to pick up on the cues.
Not too far back I went on a fairly awful date. I knew from the second I met the guy that I was not feeling him. Chemistry is instantaneous folks - that shit cannot be forced or faked. We sat chatting for a while. He attempted to order a cherry coke, but the waiter looked puzzled and said they didn't carry that. I felt puzzled as well. I mean, how many restaurants do you go to and they carry cherry coke? He then became slightly obsessed with water dripping from the awning above us, however it wasn't dripping on us. I could see he felt a little awkward and uncomfortable as I sat leaning back with my glass of wine in my hand. Meeting someone for the first time is typically a little weird. We eventually changed locations and as we were walking down the street he started making a huge mistake - being overly touchy with me! Rule #1 Boys: If she has her hands in her pockets, arms crossed, is leaning away from you, or is by no means making ANY efforts to touch you - don't touch her. She's just not that into you. Own it and take it in stride. The touching I speak of first came as an arm around me here and there. It then somewhere escalated to him walking behind me and rubbing my shoulders as we walked down the street. Which then somehow turned into him pinching me, and hard at that. WTF? If I'm saying "OW" on our first date, that's not good. I kept asking him to stop, and even told him he was actually hurting me. Did he stop? What do you think? It eventually lead to me pinching him in defense and breaking his skin. It was bordering on a 'I'm gonna fuck you up in about two minutes' sort of scenario. Luckily for him, I contained myself. Why? Cause I'm a lady, that's why! Upon walking to the new location, he didn't seem to believe I knew where I was going. I kindly reminded him that I was the one who lived in New York City, not him. However, he stopped and refused to follow me. He literally yelled out "woman, know your place." I looked back at him with complete disgust and continued walking - to which he finally ran and caught up with me. We finally landed at another bar. Sitting outside, I enjoyed yet another glass of wine. He was leaning across the table and rubbing my arms and speaking of a slightly future 'us'. All the while referring to me as "pumpkin" and "sunshine" - both pet names I am not fond of. Actually, I'm not terribly fond of pet names to begin with, nor from someone I don't even know. In my head I was baffled that he wasn't catching any of my clues. I was on and off my phone - even openly planning what I was going to do after the train-wreck of a date ended. I wasn't reciprocating any of the touching. I was leaning away from him and only engaging him in very basic ways. The seal of this date was when he went to pinch me, AGAIN. I had my wine in my hand - a brand new glass at that - and as I turned to avoid said pinch, I literally threw my entire glass of wine all over myself. FML! He then had the audacity to call me a drunk! I bit my tongue. Really dude?? You're being a complete unsocialized douche and you make me throw my glass of wine all over myself! My rottweiller has better manners than you do. Maybe in the future, you should refrain from acting like a man child and not pinch someone to the point of bruising on the first date... or ever? I fled the date almost immediately after that and hopped in a cab to meet another friend. When I got in the cab I asked the driver, "What do I smell like?" His response, "Wine." FML.
Next date.
The guy comes to my house to pick me. He comes bearing a dozen red roses, which was very sweet. However, like the last guy, I realized instantly that there was no spark. We continue to dinner. As we sat across from one another, the conversation carried too many awkward pauses. Again, I sat leaning back sipping my sake as he stared at me in a dreamily daze. I've only ever had this happen to me once before. It's weird guys. Don't look at a female you just met like this. The last time this happened was several years ago. The guy stared at me with his elbows on the table and his head in his hands. ::shivers:: This time wasn't nearly as bad, but I was sort of feeling like he was being too intense for a first meeting. After dinner we walked down the street to a bar. He then proceeded to put his arm around me, but not in the casual way one would think. I will quote my best friend, as she called it - "the ghost arm". It was exactly that! It was creeptastic. He put his arm around me, and across the middle of my back so lightly that he was holding it there, as opposed to resting it on me. I continued walking with my hands in my pockets - again not reciprocating. He then asked me if he was going to lose an eye for touching me. Eh. I, again, explained my views on first and beginning dates. How I treat them like I'm meeting a new friend. I don't kiss or touch because it muddies the water and how I prefer to keep it platonic. Clearly, he wasn't getting it. We made it to the bar and the conversation was much the same. We both ordered a beer and he pounded his before I could even get through a quarter of mine. We stayed at that bar for only one drink and moved onto a sports bar because I wanted to watch some basketball. Now, throughout the date he must have asked me at least half a dozen times how I thought the date was going. I know that it was him trying to feel out where I was. I was nice and replied I was enjoying myself. My body language should have been enough for him to know I wasn't feeling him, but I suppose not everyone gets that. (It should be known that this was the same sir that told me he gaged if a date was good by getting some kissing action by the end.) At the sports bar I was thoroughly engrossed in the playoff game. He was engaged in a hockey game that was on the screen next to my basketball game, or so I thought. At one point as I was very intent on the screen before me, he actually waved his hand in front of my face. Like a true sports fan, or even the part of me that is like a guy, I ignored him until the commercial break. When I looked over at him I was like "what's up?" He just laughed and was like "You were so intent." I wanted to be like "NO SHIT! My team is in the mutha fuckin playoffs and they're losing! We're at a sports bar dude because I had told you I wanted to watch basketball! Did you think I was kidding?" Pffft. At the table next to us there was a small group of people enjoying themselves and drinking massive amounts of beer. A few were quite cute and very fashionable. A couple of them made some small chit-chat with me about the game. It was about then that he upped his touching. I felt like I was dripping with man urine as he started rubbing my back and telling me it was ok that my team was losing. REALLY? My team is losing and you're telling me it's ok? I began to question who the man was in this temporary duo. It certainly wasn't him. On this point, I sympathize with men. Don't bother me when I'm watching sports; and please don't disregard my team losing. To top it off, you're peeing all over me in front of guys that neither of us even know! I'm so not that girl! I'm deeply attracted to a man who is confident enough to send me into a room a half naked men who are all hitting on me knowing that I will come back having only laughed, giggled and gawked. The date concluded shortly thereafter with him driving me home. I was hoping that I'd be able to just give a half hug good-bye in the car and run into my place, but no. He insisted on walking me up. Eh. Really, here's another one guys. Don't force your way into her space. If she wants you to walk her to her place, she'll ask you. He comes up and uses the toilet and I awkwardly stand staring out my living room window while I wait for him to be done. Upon finishing I thank him again for the flowers and dinner. I lean in for the hug because I realized he wasn't getting the hint that I was done. He leans in and kisses me on the cheek and makes a quip about kissing me. As I start to pull away, he kisses my cheek again and then leans in to start kissing my neck! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! I push him away and kindly tell him good night again. He laughs, because he's obviously not smart enough to realize he just pissed me off. He asks if he can see me again and I smile and say maybe. His response is golden..."I can tell by your shit eating grin that that's a yes." I have too many ways to describe that moment - and all of them include some sort of explicit verbiage. Honestly though, if you already know how I feel about kissing and touching - as we've already discussed it too many times - what the fuck makes you think that I'm going to allow you to kiss my neck!!?!?!! Not only have you pissed me off, but you have disgusted me. Not to mention that fact that you have hugely disrespected me! If only it ended there. Well, the date did, thank goodness. The following morning I awoke to an early text from him - to which I didn't respond. Followed by even more texts that I didn't respond to - one of which actually said "*poke* anyone home". Eventually I told him I was busy. To which he responded "text me when you're free. sorry for being a pain." Eh. You have no idea...
GUYS! GUYS! GUYS! If she's not laughing; or sitting so close that she's touching you; or leaning in when you speak; or finding random ways to touch you; or isn't blushing and giving you flirty gazes; or is constantly on her phone texting during the date; or not touching you back when you touch her; or tells you that she doesn't like something you keep doing - SHE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU. If she doesn't keep trying to talk to you after the date; or if she doesn't ask to see you again - SHE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU. It's ok, there are other fish in the sea. Take it in stride and try not to blow up her cell phone. I'll speak for myself when I say I don't want a stage five clinger! I want a man who knows how to act, communicate and be a true gentleman. Above all guys, pay attention. All the signs are always there. If a girl wants you, you'll know it.
